Getting ready for hell

I will wake up this morning and it will be Wednesday.

Chem Lecture- 9:00AM to 9:50AM

Science Seminar- 12:00PM to 12:50PM

Chemistry Lab- 1:00PM to 3:50PM

Biology Lab- 6:00PM to 8:50PM

I am already feeling overwhelmed.

It's very easy to feel bombarded with all of this work. All of the deadlines they give you. And it's very easy to get anxious about what hasn't happened yet. "Am I going to understand what they talk about?" "How long am I going to have to study?" "Will I have time to do my other homework if I have to take extra time to study?" "Why can't I understand these concepts and other people can?"

I feel this overwhelming pressure now that I am paying for school. I just want to do the best that I can. And I'm not settling for less or second best.

My only trouble now is trying to find out how to not settle for second best while not feeling overwhelmed.

I can do it, it'll just take some time. But it's this feeling, this anxious feeling in my chest, in my gut, and in my head that makes me feel like I'm going insane.

So now I would like to say a prayer to the air, asking to give me all the strength it can to get me through this Wednesday.

Goodnight.

Do it to Me

I uploaded a new song on my band's myspace. It's called "Do it to Me." It's a song I wrote about certain people who I've come across. Certain people who are afraid to express themselves and the fantasies they hold inside. I think Madonna said it best, "Some people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they never get what they want." I think that is an extremely true statement. If you can say what it is you want, then you will have no problem getting it. This is true not just in sexual fantasies, but in everyday life. Sometimes you have to say it out loud.

I had my friend Maddie team up with me and harmonize on the track. The harmonies are very cool on the line "a republican, no chance of going to hell." It sounds very Simon & Garfunkel-esk. A very haunting harmony. But it fits the line very well.

Some people think that they can mask their fantasies inside by declaring themselves a Republican, or a Christian, or a masculine figure of some sort. For if they are one of the prior, they could not possibly fantasize about the people of the same sex.

Do it to Me is about finding freedom inside you and not being afraid to explore your sexual desires. Living without boundaries.

The vocals on the track are a little shaky, but the underlying message is still there.

www.myspace.com/them2s

In the still of the night...

I am sitting down at my desk in my computer room. Everyone is so spread out. School starts for everyone tomorrow. I have been taking classes for the past week. I need to buy a binder for my seminar class... the only reason I just typed that is so that I'll remember tomorrow. I remember things better if I write them out.

I am listening to the song "How Still My Love" by Stevie Nicks. "Standing! in the doorway.. watching out to sea, calling out to me... You go your way! Go on! Get out! ......... But you won't forget me, ooh no, you don't forget me. Oh oh no, my lonely one."

I have listened to her since I was 14 years old. And what her songs meant to me then, do not mean the same things they mean to me now.

But school starts tomorrow for everyone. It's so weird. Everyone is so far apart. There was always this feeling of connectivity within me. It's strange, because that feeling has changed. Everyone is so far apart. I keep saying that because it's the only thing that I feel when I think of my friends. We are all so far apart.

I finished my chemistry homework. I am proud. I am exerting so much effort on this class and not enough on my biology class. This will come back to get me I know it. Oh well.

I am writing to you in the still of the night. When I should be asleep. No one is really reading this so it's fine that my thoughts all are jumbled up. Pieces here and pieces there.

I miss seeing the people that I liked everyday. I miss seeing the people that I didn't like everyday. There was that source of connectivity. I am reading Facebook statuses of those who are returning to High School. Most, if not all, saying how they are dreading it. But in reality, while High School is hell, it is something that brings a group of people together for five days a week. It's an excuse for the youth in society to come together.

Now that it is over for me, I can't help but look back at all the times I bitched about what a bad place it was... now I want to go back.

But that chapter is closed now and I am forced to move on. I'm sure I will feel the same way about college when it is over.

Who knows.

But for now it's just me, in the still of the night. With Ms. Stevie Nicks.

and I have to go to bed.

Here I say,

Goodnight cyber world

and thank you for listening once again.

Pre-College Jitters

I'm laying here in my bed typing this. In twelve hours I will have finished my first college class. I can't even imagine that. It's so hard to grasp. There are so many different things I wish to say right now.

At orientation I was really excited; there was so much energy around me. I think everyone could feel that everyone around them shared the same feelings. However, I don't think I am quite ready to say goodbye to the past 4 years. And while it may not be a "goodbye," it certainly is a conclusion of some sort. Everyone has already dispersed to their given school. And I am back here at home. Why did I choose it this way? I guess part of me still is very anxious and I can't get rid of that. But part of me feels that my work here is not done yet. I'm not done with this little spec of Maryland: Timonium. I am not done with it. I just have this feeling in my stomach that says I'm not done. I don't know why, I just have a feeling.

I have to go to bed and put an end to this rambling.

I haven't written on this thing in a long time. But I think that I am going to start at it again. Hello again, Heresay. Hello again.