In the still of the night...

I am sitting down at my desk in my computer room. Everyone is so spread out. School starts for everyone tomorrow. I have been taking classes for the past week. I need to buy a binder for my seminar class... the only reason I just typed that is so that I'll remember tomorrow. I remember things better if I write them out.

I am listening to the song "How Still My Love" by Stevie Nicks. "Standing! in the doorway.. watching out to sea, calling out to me... You go your way! Go on! Get out! ......... But you won't forget me, ooh no, you don't forget me. Oh oh no, my lonely one."

I have listened to her since I was 14 years old. And what her songs meant to me then, do not mean the same things they mean to me now.

But school starts tomorrow for everyone. It's so weird. Everyone is so far apart. There was always this feeling of connectivity within me. It's strange, because that feeling has changed. Everyone is so far apart. I keep saying that because it's the only thing that I feel when I think of my friends. We are all so far apart.

I finished my chemistry homework. I am proud. I am exerting so much effort on this class and not enough on my biology class. This will come back to get me I know it. Oh well.

I am writing to you in the still of the night. When I should be asleep. No one is really reading this so it's fine that my thoughts all are jumbled up. Pieces here and pieces there.

I miss seeing the people that I liked everyday. I miss seeing the people that I didn't like everyday. There was that source of connectivity. I am reading Facebook statuses of those who are returning to High School. Most, if not all, saying how they are dreading it. But in reality, while High School is hell, it is something that brings a group of people together for five days a week. It's an excuse for the youth in society to come together.

Now that it is over for me, I can't help but look back at all the times I bitched about what a bad place it was... now I want to go back.

But that chapter is closed now and I am forced to move on. I'm sure I will feel the same way about college when it is over.

Who knows.

But for now it's just me, in the still of the night. With Ms. Stevie Nicks.

and I have to go to bed.

Here I say,

Goodnight cyber world

and thank you for listening once again.

Pre-College Jitters

I'm laying here in my bed typing this. In twelve hours I will have finished my first college class. I can't even imagine that. It's so hard to grasp. There are so many different things I wish to say right now.

At orientation I was really excited; there was so much energy around me. I think everyone could feel that everyone around them shared the same feelings. However, I don't think I am quite ready to say goodbye to the past 4 years. And while it may not be a "goodbye," it certainly is a conclusion of some sort. Everyone has already dispersed to their given school. And I am back here at home. Why did I choose it this way? I guess part of me still is very anxious and I can't get rid of that. But part of me feels that my work here is not done yet. I'm not done with this little spec of Maryland: Timonium. I am not done with it. I just have this feeling in my stomach that says I'm not done. I don't know why, I just have a feeling.

I have to go to bed and put an end to this rambling.

I haven't written on this thing in a long time. But I think that I am going to start at it again. Hello again, Heresay. Hello again.

Last night I feel out of love with all the people I thought I loved
I lost the spark

Nothing seems special anymore.

////

Give me your mind or give me your body
I care not for your ego,
but for your intellect
I know it's a different dialect
for you
To be speaking with someone
Who cares about more
than you

////

I don't want your ego
I just want your lips
Let the music move your body--
Move your hips
Get lost in the rhythm
Find yourself in my kiss

///

miscellaneous ideas that sprung into my head these past two days. for future poetic reference.

I met Nikki Giovanni tonight

I get so overwhelmed when I am about to write about big subjects such as these. For I have so much to write about.

She answered my question that I asked. I asked, "have you heard of the remarks Representative Sally Kern made?"... she said "no".... I said, "she said that homosexuals are more dangerous than terrorists" ... Nikki replied, "and where did you say this representative was from?"... I said, "Oklahoma"... and she said... "Oklahoma, huh?..... Oh, Oklahoma".... and everyone laughed. She went on to say that she was glad I brought that question up. She talked about Matthew Shepard, and how it's only a matter of time before Gays start waking up and start fighting for their Civil Rights. How there is a long history of injustice. The hate crimes, everything.

She addressed so much more as well. The Bush-Cheney administration. It was inspirational. She signed a copy of her book, which I bought. I am going to read it now, and then go to bed.

Goodnight.



Paul and I had a long conversation last night. We got to know each other more. The spark was growing. Although I've seen him in person only twice. And talked to him in person only once. There's a ray of light in this that I feel. Or maybe it's my imagination. I haven't decided whether I'm going to wait and see if he gets online tonight. If he does, I hope he IM's me first. That would make it all worth the while. All worth while.

Days 4 & 5

Day 4 was better. Marsha taught. I talked to her about her diet, what she eats, what she doesn't. She told me that she has "done it all". Cleansing, Vegan, Vegetarian, Macrobiotics, and so on and so on. She has to be in her 60s, but she has this glow about her that reminds me of a 20 year old. She is going to help me with my diet, eating habbits, and will provide suggestions. I'm really excited. She is a huge inspiration. When she came into class, I recognized the red string around her left wrist, signifying that she studies Kabbalah. I told her that I'm interested in longevity, youth, and prosperity. I want to get the most out of life. During tree pose, I saw progress as I went down with both hands in prayer, which I don't believe I've ever done with both legs. I'm happy for myself. It's great to see progress and to feel it, as well.

Day 5, today was rough. I had to go into sabasana during the warm-up, which is rare. I don't think I've ever done that, not even during my intro week. But I was tired, very. The little drama episode with Ria's mother got me all jazzed up and I think it wore me out. But that's alright, I gave it my best. Tomorrow will be better. You always leave that studio with more than you had. That's the beauty of it. I think I pulled something in my neck, while I was on the floor during cobra I believe, I cracked my neck, but I think I twisted my head too far, that's how I did it. I saw Eddie and Emily prior to class at Yamato. Talked about Madonna's new song '4 minutes'. Talked about head-voice, which Eddie and I talked more about prior to class. Ross taught today. I'm seeing progess in my body. I'm pleased. I left the studio feeling great, as opposed to when I went in; where I felt like complete shit.

Days 2 & 3

Day 2,

went to the 10 o'clock class. Emily taught. I wasn't as well as I was on Day 1, but I managed. After class I told Eddie about Madonna's new album Hard Candy. He seemed excited, as am I.



Day 3,

Today was rough, not as well as Day 2, and not nearly as well as Day 1. I think it was due to the lack of sleep I got. Mother woke me up early to go to church, which I was not pleased with. But I did take one of my 50.7 oz. waters with me, so that I could hydrate prior to my early class. There were only two today, on "Easter" Sunday. I also had a protein shake prior.

I did Work Study alone, Liz went to the first class, but couldn't attend the second, I suppose for family occasions, etc. I hope tomorrow I will be better, I will make sure I get plenty of rest.


I just finished a conversation with Griffin, online. I told him that I thought he seemed superficial. He handled that quite maturely, which I was suprised with. I was expecting him to fire back at me, but he didn't. He said he stopped being a vegetarian because he needed more protein, which to me is total crap. Debbie, a yoga teacher at the studio, is vegan and she has NO problem with her protein intake, and I guarantee you she does more strenuous exercise than Griffin has ever done in his life. But, if that's what he believes, then let him believe it.

He didn't seem to lose his touch, though. I was quite pleased with that. He still has the same belief system. Which I admire. He does not smoke anymore, which I am glad to hear. It will only make him a better person. However, he wants to play lacross, but will not be able to this season because he has torn something. After I mentioned my starting a 30-Day Challenge, he mentioned he wanted to take up either Bikram Yoga or Kickboxing. He's into fitness as well.

But it's funny, you know? Whenever I hear people say that they are doing sports, or strenuously working out, so that they can look better, have better performance, etc. It just makes me want to work out more. Which could be a good or bad thing. I don't consciously want to make it a competition, but in a way, that's how my mind works. It's not so I can necessarily go up to someone and say, "I'm better than you", but rather it is a great insentive to strive to look and feel better. And at the end of the day, you are the one who benefits from it.

It's just things like that (the Griffin-exercise thing), that make we want to take my fitness to an even higher level than it already is; to go that extra mile, to push myself.

I have more to write about this. I suppose I will write more tomorrow. Goodnight.

Day 1

I think I am going to attempt to begin a 30 day challenge.
If I decide to pursue this, today will have been my first day.
I attended the 6 o'clock class and Emily was teaching.

Ria and Andy came and watched me. Emily pushed me extra hard in front of them. I planned on sitting down through triangle and standing-head-to-knee, but because Ria and Andy were standing there, I did both postures, both sets. I was proud of myself. This was one of my best classes in a while. I am very very tired now though, and it's only 10:00.

I saw Donna doing work study, I've always seen her write her name down as "WS" but I've never seen her actually doing it. It was cool. She is one cool chick. I wish I had the nerve to say something to her. She's awesome in that room, completely focused and everything. I also want to know how old she is, hah. Just out of curiosity. And truthfully, the older-the better. I have more respect for people who are older and yet have great bodies, great discipline, and great hearts. She's very cool. She doesn't say much, which just adds to her mystery. Haha, I sound like such a nerd.

I ate a "raw" bar , white chocolate. It definatly tasted raw, but I'm hoping to eat healthier, even healthier than I do now; which in reality isn't that healthy.

I hope I can keep this up. I'm on Spring Break now, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal, because I will get the sleep I need. I'm just worried about once school starts. But, we shall see.

Goodnight.

I hope I can keep going with this. I am pretty sure I'll be able to